How NOT to Save a Life
by BookwormFOREVER15
Summary: Derek's car doesn't get hit by a semi. However, in a sad twist of events, he ends up collapsing at work, and the only surgeon around is Alex. Derek dies, leaving Meredith upset with Alex. He should've gotten help, after all, he is a pediatric surgeon, not a general. Will his and Meredith's friendship survive, or will it crumble leaving Alex with nothing but alcohol and drugs
1. Prologue

**A/N I haven't posted on my other story there is a reason posted and that story will be up and running again soon. But for now, I have a new story for you guys. The story is mine 100% but I guess I can say I used the song How to Save a Life as a template/inspiration. I looked at the lyrics and am writing my take on what is happening. This fanfic is obviously gonna be a Grey's anatomy fanfic, unlike my other stories. It is AU, Derek didn't die in the accident (it never happened), but he does die, and this is a similar time too. There will also be language and mature content takes place at the end of season 11 start of season 12 somewhere in there. Enjoy.**

Alex's POV,

It was a quiet night in the ER, me and Derek Shepard and running things. I am in the ER he is just here doing surgeries. There were some residents around but not many other surgeons. It was almost too quiet, I should've known something was gonna happen. I was waiting for a big mystery to come into the ER, something, or something big to happen. And something did happen, but I never expected it to be what it was.

(10 hours ago) Derek's POV

"Your neurological exam seems good. I will be back in about an hour to check on you." I say to a patient.

"So the surgery went good, he is fine?" His wife asks me.

"Everything seems to be perfect. Yes." I say.

"Oh, thank you, doctor. Here have this, please take it, you saved my Reggie's life." She says handing me an expensive looking bottle of whiskey to me.

"I simply did my job," I say and try to leave without the alcohol.

"Please, take it. I don't drink and Reggie shouldn't drink, so take it please." She says. I smile and take the bottle. I go put it in my locker and go to do my next surgery.

The surgery I just did was grueling, if anything could've gone wrong, it did. It was an extra two hours longer, making it 10 hours of hell. But the patient is still alive. I am no longer on call I deserve a prize for what I did in that OR. I look at the bottle of whiskey in my locker. I shouldn't, I put the bottle in my bag and I begin to go to the parking lot to head home to celebrate with my wife. I think of all the fun things we could do tonight. But part way down the hallway, I start having horrible pain in my stomach. I wince in pain. I take another few steps before the pain gets unbearable. I reach for the counter of a nearby nurse's station, but miss and clip my head on it instead, I black out as I hit the ground.

Alex's POV

"DOCTOR KAREV! DOCTOR KAREV COME QUICK!" A nurse screams running into the ER.

"I'll be back," I say the patient I am with. I set the tablet down and rush to follow the nurse. I am not prepared for what I see. At first, I don't recognize who is laying on the ground there head surrounded by a pool of blood knocked out, but then I realize, it is Shepard.

"Get him to trauma 1," I say as nurses and orderlies get him onto a stretcher. I quickly assess the damage. I look the cut on his head is superficial, and because it was his head he bled a lot. I dress the wound well waiting for his lab results to come back. I worry when they come back, the numbers are as if none of his organs are functioning properly. Some numbers are as if his organs aren't there. I rush him to CT.

"Book, an OR and call any general surgeon on call except for Meredith Grey. I order an intern. I quickly get Shepard ready for surgery. I get ready for surgery and then head the OR. I am scrubbing in when the intern comes back, no one would even answer their pages. I also tried phoning and texting. No one answered.

"Dammit," I mutter under my breath. "Scrub in. This could be a once in a lifetime surgery, and I am gonna need all the hands I can get. I say as I finish scrubbing. I go in and open him up. Just as I thought. His organs are missing chunks, some are only chunks left.

"Dr. Karev what is this|?" The intern asks me.

"Doctor Shepard must have gotten a chemical in his food. Then it traveled to his esophagus, where it mixed with his stomach acid, and then his stomach acid was acidic enough that it was able to burn away the flesh. It then leaked into his stomach cavity and started to burn away at his other organs. He has so much damage I don't know where to start. I step back and think of where to start. I step back to the table and assess, his liver, his esophagus, and his pancreas look horrible, they are all damaged beyond repair. He will need new ones within six hours if he has any chance. I tell this to the nurse and she calls UNOS. He is at the top of the list, but there isn't a good chance that he will get the organs he needs in time. I repair everything I can but I can only do so much because he needs those organs, they took the worst of it.

It has been four hours, and every second that goes by without organs, he is in worse shape, six hours is the longest we can wait, in an ideal world he would get organs in less than two. Time is running out. _Should I call Meredith?_ I wonder. _No, I need something solid to give her, I will wait another hour, but if there is still no news, I will call her to come say goodbye._ I plan in my head. I hate waiting, praying for news.

I waited, but it has been five hours.

"Emma," I call one of the scrub nurses over.

"Yes, doctor Karev?" She asks.

"Get my phone," I say, she does. "Unlock it the passcode is 4523, go to my contacts and phone Meredith Grey, then put the phone to my ear," I say because I am still scrubbed in, and don't want to scrub out until Derek is being taken to recovery or the morgue. A resident can do the organ recovery. The phone is held to my ear. It rings twice and is picked up on the third ring.

"Hello?" Comes a small voice from the phone, Zola.

"Hi Zola, where's your mommy?" I ask. Wondering why she is up at this hour, then I realize it is almost 6 am, so it isn't unreasonable.

She doesn't speak but I can hear the sound of her running down the hall. "Here mommy." She says.

"Hey Alex, do you know where Derek is? He was supposed to be home yesterday." She says.

"He, He's in an OR," I say.

"Emergency surgery?"

"Yes, but, he, he's the patient, Meredith, Derek is the patient in my emergency surgery," I say.

"What, why is he, Alex what happened?" She asks.

"He must have gotten some kind of chemical in or on his food. It reacted badly with his stomach acid. It became acidic enough to burn through his esophagus and it destroyed his liver and pancreas. He is in really bad shape, he has another hour to get new organs before it is too late."

"That means you've known for at least five hours! Why didn't anyone call me?"

"I didn't want to call you until we knew what was happening, I wanted to be able to give you something solid. I think you should come to the hospital and say goodbye." I say.

She hangs up. A half hour later we are still in the OR. But it is clear it is too late. I close Derek up. Just as I am finishing Meredith comes in. She looks at me. I shake my head, it was too late even if Meredith had come through the door with organs, it would have been too late.


	2. Chapter 1

Alex's POV

I yank off my gown and gloves in frustration. I wish that I could've done more. I mean, Meredith is my freaking person, and I just killed her husband. I go up to the peds floor because I need to go up to the office that is partially mine.

I finish with the paperwork I had to do and then get ready to leave. I am heading to the main elevators just off the lobby. Meredith approaches me, she has been crying but has stopped.

"Alex, what happened. I need you to tell me exactly what happened." She says her voice is full of pain, and desperation.

"Meredith, I told you what happened. He got chemicals in his food or something. It changed how acidic his stomach acid was. His stomach acid burned through his esophagus, it then destroyed his liver and pancreas. He had maximum six hours to get new organs, but nothing came in time. By the time I called you his chances were slim, by the time you got here it wouldn't have mattered if you brought organs with you. I did everything I could." I say.

"No, Alex. I want- need, I need you to take me to your office, and go through EVERYTHING that happened, from the second you found him to the second you left the OR. I need you to sit down with me and tell me exactly what happened."

"What you think I did something wrong? Mer, I did everything I could. If I could've I would've given him my liver." I say. I feel horrible, I need to go. I don't want to tell Meredith what happened, I don't think she wants to know.

"Just tell me."

"No, because the second I do you will wish you never heard it."

"Alex, tell me. Just sit down with me and tell me. Sit down with me like it is any other talk. Pretend it wasn't my husband it was just some kid, just tell me." She says. "Sit down, it is just a talk, we are simply discussing a patient with each other."

"Meredith not, now. You have a million things you need to do. Amelia needs to know and your kids are probably asking. You need to go home and be with your kids, not here at the hospital trying to figure what could've gone differently that might have saved him because it is too late he is gone, you need to stop with the what if and start with the what nows." I say. And continue to the elevators. I want to help her but right now I can't look at her without feeling horrible all over again.

"Alex!" She screams, I stop and walk back towards her.

"Meredith, I can't. I can't tell my best friend exactly what happened when her husband died under my watch. Right now I can't look at you without feeling like fucking shit, I feel horrible and I don't need to be yelled at because you and I both know that if I tell you, you will pick me apart. So, I wish I could, but I can't. So imagine what it would be like for you." I say, I once again head for the elevators.

"Alex you're an ass." She says, starting to cry. "I HATE you. I hate you. I hate you." She says sobbing. I try to comfort her but she pushes me away. I stay there for a minute, she pulls herself together. "Leave me alone, I need to grieve according to you, so give me the space I need." She says in a very pissed off tone. I give her my cocky 'I hate you' smile, and she gives one back. I then leave the hospital.

Meredith's POV

~A Week Later~

Derek's funeral was today. It was beautiful, but heartbreaking, the kids still don't understand. And everyone just keeps giving me food, beautiful dishes, the kinds of stuff Derek, would cook. I keep refusing it and when I can't refuse it, I throw it out. Me and the kids have just been eating out. I can't be at home. It was mine and Derek's home, and now that Derek is gone, it hurts to be there. I haven't been working either. Me and the kids are staying in a hotel. The kids love the pool, and I can grieve without having such a painful reminder he is gone. Christina is in town. My real person. The person who took my husband in and out of surgery. Why is it always your people taking your husband into surgery? I think. Christina operated when he was shot and Alex operated when his stomach was literally eating away at his stomach. What really pains me though, is the day after Derek died, the day after he died, Alex was right back at work like nothing happened. He moved on so easily. It hurts. It is almost like he was able to forget it. It hurts so bad.

I am sitting on my bed. I text Alex. "Are you at the hospital?"

"Yes."

"I am coming I need to talk to you." I text back. I take the kids to the daycare they have here in the hotel, I could take them to the hospital, but they won't see me crying or that I will have been crying if they are here. I drive to the hospital. I find Alex in his office.

"Tell me what happened," I ask

"No."

"Please."

"I said no."

"Alex please tell me what happened."

"NO."

"Alex please, if you really care about me, if you have any decency, you will tell me."

"NO! I have decency because I am NOT telling you. You won't be able to take it. Neither will I." He says firmly.

"PLEASE!" I say to Alex who hasn't even looked away from his desk.

"NO!" He screams and pushes all the stuff off his desk onto the floor, something glass breaks. "I AM NOT GOING TO TELL YOU AND THAT IS FINAL." He screams. I get scared. I walk away quickly. Partially in anger, partially in fear.

A few days later I keep trying to talk to Alex, but he gets beyond angry every time. I hate his. I have lost Derek and now I am losing Alex too.

It has been two weeks since Derek died now. I am afraid to talk to Alex, it kills me. But at the same time, he was responsible for Derek's death. Maybe he knows he screwed something up and is afraid to tell me. Maybe he screwed it up and won't tell me because he doesn't want to be yelled at. I would be able to tell I could just talk to him.

Two and a half weeks since Derek died, Alex killed him. Alex did something wrong but won't admit to it. He killed Derek I can't forgive him. Why did I even bother talking to Alex, I should have just read the report Alex would've had to fill out because the patient died on the table, those things are a bitch to do, but right now I am thankful for them. And I am afraid of Alex, mean what else is he hiding. If he can't tell me if he thinks he botched a surgery, how much shit has he been hiding from me. I should've trusted my gut on my first impression of him. A cold heartless asshole.

I hold flowers in my hand, it is a little windy but nothing too horrible. I walk past many gravestones until I find Derek's. I pull old flowers off and place the new ones on it. I kneel down on the grass that is still growing back after Derek being buried.

"Derek, why did you have to go? Why did Alex not try to get some help that night? What did you eat? Why did you have to die? Why did it have to be the one night that there were only two surgeons on call? Why couldn't it have been a night when I was there? I would have fought, I would have done everything to try and save you. I would've gone to the extremes, Alex did the basic procedure. I would've done so much. More I would give anything and everything to have been able to save you." I say to his tombstone. "I would have done anything to save your life," I say. I then touch his gravestone and head back to my car.

I am back at work now, I should be. It has been three and a half weeks. When I get there many of my fellow surgeons greet me, and welcome me back. Alex isn't there, but he is on call. I wonder about him for a second then drop it. He shouldn't be here anyway. I am in the ER today, they want me to have an easy day back. I am about six hours into my shift with no sign of Alex, good, stay away. I go to my next patient.

"Hi," I pause to look at the chart. "Kyra. So I hear you are having some pain in your tummy?" I ask the six-year-old girl.

"Yeah, my tummy hurts. Right here." She points to where her appendix is. "Ok, I am going to feel your tummy. Tell if and when it hurts." I say. I feel her stomach but turn to the mom. "Are there any other symptoms?" I ask.

"Yes, she has a horrible fever, she has been vomiting, she hasn't eaten, anything, not even her favorites, I offered ice cream for breakfast. She has been in pain for a few days now. At first, I brushed it off as she needed to pass gas, but it got worse, we saw The pediatrician but he said it was probably just a stomach bug. He barely even touched her. She is miserable." Her mom says. I nod. I feel over her appendix.

"OW!" She screams.

"OK, it hurts there. Now, I know it hurts but I need you to tell me when it hurts, ok." She nods. I push down gently on her stomach "Does it hurt now? Or when I pull my hand away?" I ask as I pull it away.

"Away!" She cries.

"Ok," I say. "I am gonna go get a kid doctor because I am boring old person doctor. Ok, sweetie?" I ask.

"Yeah." She says. I nod and go to the nurses desk and not to any one nurse I say "Page Peds for bed 3."

"Right away Dr. Grey. Oh, and I am so sorry about your husband, he was a great surgeon and an amazing doctor." She says.

"Thank you," I say and move on to the next patient put I keep an eye out for Peds. I pray it will be Arizona, but just as I finish with the thought Alex comes into the ER. I turn away but then turn back around. He isn't walking straight.

"I'll be right back," I say to my patient.

I go over and get a better look at Alex, his eyes are glossy and he smells like drugs. I stop him.

"Get off me, lady. I know I am beautiful but I have a patient." He says. It is more than obvious he is higher than a kite.

"Oh no. You are not treating that patient, not like this." I say, trying to keep it down for Alex's sake.

"Get off me. I need to save some dying little kid." He says loud enough that the little girl can hear it.

"I'm dying!?" She wails and starts sobbing. I look in horror. I go over to the mom.

"Your daughter is not dying, she has appendicitis. I am going to get you a different doctor because that one is not on call right now, he has been working for 36 hours start and is sleep deprived." I lie.

"Kyra, honey you aren't dying. I know that for a fact. You just have a little meanie in your tummy that is making you sick. But I am gonna get you a different doctor and she will take that meanie out and you won't be in any more pain and you will have a good reason to eat nothing but ice cream." I smile and reassure her.

"If I'm not dying, why did that doctor say I was."

"Because he is very tired, he has been working for almost two entire days and nights without not a lot of sleep."

"He didn't even go home?" She asks shocked.

"Nope. He has been working so hard, he didn't have time. And because he hasn't gotten any sleep he is acting a little coo-coo, because your body needs sleep but he didn't get much." I explain.

"Ok." She says.

I go to the nurses desk. "Page Dr. Robins for bed 3," I say.

"But Dr. Karev answered the page."

"Yes, well at the moment Dr. Karev isn't able to take this patient. So, page Dr. Robins." I say. Then grab Alex and drag him to a supply closet.

"Alex, what on earth are you doing? Getting high at work, are you insane? Did you really think that we would let you operate on a child well under the influence? Did you really think no one would notice that you are higher than a kite?" I ask.

"Get off me, lady." He says. So, I get out of the closet lock the door and call security. They come fairly quickly.

"Dr. Karev is in there he is higher than a kite can you make sure that he gets home without killing anyone or getting in any trouble?" I ask.

"Of course." The security guard says. I then leave and go up to Alex's office. I expected to find a bit of Marijuana or make some Coke, but I am shocked to see, many drugs, some legal, some not legal, some that can only be prescribed if you have two different physicians signatures. And alcohol. He had a bottle of vodka, and a bottle of whiskey and has maybe a shot left of tequila on his desk. I can't believe that Alex would do something like this. He isn't just high, he is drunk. And I can't believe he was going to try and operate on a patient.

A/N So, what do you think. Good, bad, great, horrible, rushed maybe? What is going to happen to Alex, he was working high and drunk. Will he get suspended? Will he lose his license? Or will Meredith keep it quiet? Let me know what you think.


	3. Chapter 2

**A/N I just want to say thank you to all of you who have already favorited/followed this story. Enjoy!**

Alex's POV

I feel terrible for not being able to save Derek. Meredith hates me now, and because Jo broke up with me just before Derek died, I have no one. It hurts, the pain of knowing I killed my person's husband, you just don't do that to your person. I have been taking drugs, getting high, and I have been drinking. I never drive high or drunk, and it helps, for a few hours I can just forget that I killed one of the best neurosurgeons in the country. My pager goes off. I get up, then sit down, how many pills did I take? Did I take any? I can't remember, I don't feel high. I'll go see what it is. I hastily put my pills in my bag and my alcohol under the desk. It is late at night, and no one else is here, well no one that uses my office. I go down to the ER.

I walk into the ER, Meredith is here, ugh, she hates me and it hurts. I head over to my patient. Meredith walks over to me and, looks at my face. She then pulls me away from the patient.

"Get off me, lady. I know I am beautiful but I have a patient." I say, sarcastically. I didn't really mean it but whatever it isn't going to hurt anyone.

"Oh no. You are not treating that patient, not like this." Meredith whispers.

"Get off me. I need to save some dying little kid." I say at a normal volume, I don't know what is going on with the patient, maybe they are dying maybe they aren't.

"I'm dying!?" A little girl wails,"I didn't mean to do that. Fuck, now a little girl thinks she is dying. Maybe I am higher than I thought. I watch as Meredith reassures the mom and the kid. She gets the nurse to page Arizona to take the case and then she drags me into a supply closet.

"Alex, what on earth are you doing? Getting high at work, are you insane? Did you really think that we would let you operate on a child well under the influence? Did you really think no one would notice that you are higher than a kite?"

"Get off me, lady," I say, not wanting to say her name because it hurts to do so. Meredith then exits the closet and next thing I know a security guard is dragging me to my locker in the attending's lounge so I can change and get my stuff. He takes me so I can stop by my office to grab my bag, he doesn't see the liquor, so I leave it not wanting to risk trying to take it. He then drives me home. I hate this, now I have to take a cab or a bus to work tomorrow, yuck.

I sleep for a few hours, it is kinda restless but it is sleep. I sleep until I hear a knock on my door. I get up in nothing but a muscle shirt and boxers and go answer the door. I open it, it's Meredith.

"What do you want? It is 3 am." I ask, slightly pissed off.

"I wanted to make sure you weren't laying on your living room floor dying from an overdose!" She says loudly but not too loudly, because I have neighbors all around.

"Well I wasn't, I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep unsuccessfully because your dead husband's face keeps popping into my head," I say. We don't move or say anything for a minute or so then she pushes her way past me into my apartment.

"Well, I had to make sure because let's see all the drugs you have in your magical man purse of fun." She says grabbing my bag from the floor she walks over to my table and sets the bag down. She unzips it. "Ok, let's see, Codeine, that's fun. What else oh we got some Percocet, oh is this what I think it is? It is oh man I might have to take this I mean, gotta love Morphine. Oh look, a dear friend Zolpidem, what else, Dilaudid Hydromorphone, Xanax alprazolam, and we got some Vicodin and Narcotic syrups with codeine and hydrocodone, yum. Should I continue?" She asks.

"It's my life, and if I want I can take drugs. Shouldn't you go home and be with your kids?" I ask.

"Well, my kids are important my person is too." She says. I roll my eyes. "I am trying to grieve, and I was finally starting to be ok again, and it seems you just moved on! It seems you went from me to drugs. Are drugs your new person. Do they tell you their problems, do tell them your problems, do you guys crawl into each other's beds?" She asks shouting and I think starting to cry but I can't tell because there are no lights on.

"No."

"Then why the hell are you doing drugs, Alex. Are you stupid? Do you want to die? And what about at work today, I could've gotten you fired right on the spot!" She shouts.

"Well thank you for not," I say. there is silence for a moment. "I think you need to leave," I say.

"And I think you need to stop doing drugs."

"Get out," I say.

"Not until you get rid of those drugs." She says.

"I am keeping the drugs but you are going," I say.

"No, I'm not."

"Then I will have to pull a page out of Meredith Grey's book," I say still standing near the door. I turn around and hit a button for an intercom that goes right to the security officers downstairs. "Hi, this is apartment 23-E. There is a woman in my apartment and she is refusing to leave, could someone please come and escort her out?" I say into the intercom. It is fuzzy for a minute then a voice says someone will be up right away. "I think you are leaving," I say.

"Alex!" She says.

"No. You are not the boss of me. And this is MY apartment, and I decide who comes and who goes and when they come and when they go, and you are going, right now," I say and open the door for the security officer who knocked well I was talking. He comes in, and grab's Meredith by her arm. "Thank you, officer," I say and shut the door behind them. I go over to my kitchen and grab a bottle of hard liquor from the counter, I don't know what it is because I didn't bother to check the label, but I will know soon enough, I take a big swig of whiskey and head back to bed, not wanting to have a hangover tomorrow morning so I can go to work.

The next morning I get up and shower, I get dressed and make some coffee. I put my coffee in a travel mug and call a cab. I make sure to get dropped off a few blocks away from the hospital, it is windy but it isn't too bad. I get to the hospital with a few minutes to spare, so I sit and drink my coffee. Arizona then comes into the attending's lounge.

"Hey Alex, I saw you walked into the hospital, what was with that." She asked getting coffee from the machine.

"I walked to work."

"Don't you live like, a mile from the hospital?" She asks.

"Yeah, so."

"The wind is horrible out there it is gusting up to like nearly 40 miles an hour." She says.

"It was just a little wind. I have to go." I say, not want to get grilled for another 10 minutes; I sit in my office. I spin in my chair and something catches me eye, someone left the filing cabinet open. I go over to close it and see that it holds the files of all patients I have lost. Thankfully the drawer isn't very full. The cases that are in there, however, can be haunting, but the one that will haunt me forever is Derek's. I grab his file and sit back down. I open it and find the surgeon and the surgery reports. A report, written by me after the operation, and a report written by a nurse as the operation is being done. I read them both. I did everything right. There was nothing more I could've done. I wish that I could've but I really couldn't. I look at the time, I put the reports back in the file and put the file back in the drawer. I close the drawer and head off to do rounds.

Later I am eating lunch in the cafeteria when Meredith comes and sits down beside me.

"I read your report of the operation. I think you should've put him on bypass and tried to save the pancreas, it could've at least bought him more time." She says.

"Meredith, you and I both know it wouldn't have worked, I did everything I could to save him, I did EVERYTHING. I _broke protocol_, to try and save him. I should've let him go after three hours but I didn't give up until he was at his end, his body was done, I did everything Meredith. You know I did, but you are still sad and you're trying to find holes. You're looking for a needle in a haystack that was never there." I say pick up my tray, drop it off at the garbage can, and leave.

Meredith's POV

I read the surgery report and the surgeon's report. Alex could've tried bypass, it might not have worked but it would've been better than waiting for new organs. He did what he should've but not everything he could've. And because of that Derek is dead. Alex will never stop being that guy. He did his best but it wasn't enough he will forever be the person who killed Derek. I go do what I have to do, but I will talk to Alex.

Later I find him in the cafeteria, I tell him about the bypass idea. He says it wouldn't have worked, I try to talk to him but he leaves. After he shot it down. I send him a text, please stop doing drugs it says, but he doesn't reply. Later that night I phone Christina.

"Hey," I say when she picks up.

"What's wrong."

"I read Alex's surgeon report, he should've put Derek on bypass, and tried to save the pan-" But she cuts me off.

"Mer, you and I and Alex, all know it wouldn't have worked. He did his best."

"Well he isn't doing his best now, he has gotten into all kinds of drugs, and he is taking them with alcohol," I say.

We talk about Alex doing drugs for a bit.

"Wish I had been at the hospital the night Derek died, maybe I could've saved him. I mean I'm a general surgeon, it was a general surgery case." I say.

"I know," Christina says.

"I would've done everything to save Derek, I miss him so much. This past month has been so hard." I say.

"It would be a lot easier if you would just forgive Alex."

"I wanted to but then I saw him doing drugs, and drinking and I couldn't," I explain.

"You really should talk to him. I mean, maybe he just did them at the start but got hooked maybe he wants to stop but can't. Meredith, he might need you just as much as you need him." Christina says.

"You're right, I'm gonna go talk to him," I say and hang up because Christina and I don't need to say goodbye. I tell Amelia I am leaving and go to Alex's apartment. I knock on the door. He slurs the word coming and I can hear him coming to answer the door.

He answers. "Oh, it's you.' he says. "Here to yell at me for my life choices." He asks.

"I came to apologize and help you get sober."

"I don't want or need help, not from you." He says.

"Alex, I want to say I am sorry but I don't know if I can, you're so high and drunk that I don't know if I can forgive you," I say.

"Fuck off." He says.

"You need to stop doing drugs," I say.

"I WILL DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO!" He screams.

"Alex, you're gonna end up overdosing and no one will know until you are found dead," I say.

"I DON'T FUCKING CARE!" He shouts. He picks up an empty bottle but before he can do anything I rush out, scared. As soon as I am out of the building I puke. I head home regretting what I just did.

I try to sleep, but I can't. I am losing my life. I lost Derek, and everyone looks at me differently now. I keep fighting with Alex, and I am losing everyone I care about. People don't invite me out to fun things anymore, and everyone looks at me like I am two seconds away from crumbling. I hate it. If my life was a path, I have stumbled off and am hanging onto it by tree roots on the cliff wall below. I hate it, but I don't know if I can do anything about it.


	4. Chapter 3

**A/N Sorry the updates have been so all over the place guys. My computer was on the fritz but it is working okay now, so hopefully my updates will be more frequent and more on schedule. Anyways; Enjoy!**

Alex's POV

I know the drugs are bad, but I can't stop. I know I should get help, but to tell the truth, I am terrified it will ruin my career. I only take them when I am not on call, I haven't driven high, I am only a danger to myself, so maybe it isn't that bad. The reason I freaked out on Meredith is I know that I shouldn't, I want to stop and her yelling at me to stop doesn't help me very much. I want things with Meredith to go back to the way they were, but I don't know how to fix things. Maybe they will never be better. I can hope things will get better, but both of us have to want that, and I don't know if Meredith will ever want that.

Meredith's POV

I get home and go to bed thankful that I have tomorrow off. The next morning I phone Christina. She picks up on the fourth ring.

"Wassup?" She asks.

"I spoke to Alex last night."

"And?"

"Well, the final result was me running out of his apartment terrified for my life."

"Maybe you should just forget about Alex, I mean after all he did kill your husband," Christina says.

"But, after you left, he became my person. I mean, he never crawled into mine and Derek's bed, but I crawled into his many times. We kind clung together after you left because we were the only ones left." I say. Suddenly my phone beeps, someone is calling me, I check the number. It's Alex.

"Do you have to go?" Christina asks.

"I don't know it is Alex," I say.

"He is going to do one of two things. He is going to apologize or he is going to tell you to get out of his life forever." Christina says.

"I'm going to answer," I say as my phone beeps again. I hang up with Christina and answer Alex.

I sob as I phone Christina. She picks up immediately.

"You- You were, you were right!" I choke back a sob.

"Oh, Meredith, what happened?"

"He- He said, not to talk to me, unless, it was. Unless it was work related. He doesn't want to talk to me ever again unless he has to!" I barely get out. I sob, still laying in bed, my pillow collecting all my tears and soaking them in.

"I'm sorry."

"I just want-I want things to go, back, to the the way, they were," I say as a new wave of tears come. I wipe my tears away. "I wish we could just, I don't even know. I wish things were like before."

"I know, but he has made it clear, he doesn't want you in his life. Why bother being sad over someone who doesn't want you. You still have tons of friends. You have me, and Amelia, and Maggie."

"But I need my person."

"Am I not still your person?"

"Christina, you will always be my person. But I need a person in the same place as me." I say.

"Maybe you should come to Switzerland. I could get you a good job, I have lots of connections here already and you and I could live together."

"I don't know I mean, what about the house? What about the kids? What about my current job?" I say.

"You could sell your house or keep it, or give it to Amelia or someone. I am sure the kids would love to see auntie Christina, and the hospital has enough general surgeons. I could get you a Head of General Surgery position." She says.

"I would have to think about it," I say as I hear beeping in the background. "What is that beeping?" I ask.

"Oh, Shit! I completely forgot I have a roast in the oven, it is probably all burnt now. I guess I will have to order food. Damn, that roast was expensive, and it was big too. It would've lasted like a week. I was excited to eat that roast."

"I'm sorry about your roast."

"It's not your fault, I should've paid closer attention." She says. I then hear her put the phone down and pull her roast out. "Well it is still edible, but it is completely dry. Oh man, it was so juicy I took it out of the package and oh, it was dripping blood, my kitchen looked like a murder scene." She says. I picture that in my head, I vomit at the thought. "Mer, are you ok?"

"I'm fine just, uh. don't talk about your roast." I say, taking a sip of water from the glass beside my bed. "I have to go clean up this mess, then deal with Bailey."

"Which one?"

"Which one lives in my house and cries when HE is hungry."

"Well, it could've been either one, maybe you had to clean up your puke then call Bailey and say you can't go into work today."

"I'll call you later," I say and hang up. I clean up my puke, well trying not to puke again, and then go to comfort my son who is now crying in his crib.

"Hey, baby. How is my little boy?" I ask smiling. I pick him up and take him to his change table. I change his diaper and then take him to the kitchen for a bottle. I place him in his high chair and grab a bottle from the fridge I place it in the microwave to heat it up. Bailey starts crying, having seen his bottle but not having gotten it yet. He screams and cries.

"It's ok, you will have it soon," I say. "You'll get your bottle soon. It is coming soon." I say to him. He continues to cry. "You'll have it back soon. Your bottle is coming. Ya, Mr. Bottle is on his way. He is so excited to see you, yeah, your bottle wants you just like you want him." I say in the voice that is used to talk to babies, the super over peppy way too happy voice. "He wants you," I say and start crying again, but I still grab Bailey's bottle and hand it to him. I leave him with his bottle, then wipe my tears as I go to wake up Zola.

"Wake up Zola," I say to her as I enter her room and crouch down beside her bed. She wakes up and yawns. We are silent for a minute, it is clear she wants to say something but doesn't know what.

"Mommy, when is daddy coming home?" She asks.

"Zola honey, we have been over this. Daddy isn't coming home. He had to go join his daddy, and Uncle George, and Grandma, and Step-Grandma, and Auntie Lexie, and Uncle Mark, in the sky." I say.

"Who are those people?" Zola asks.

"Well, daddy's dad is one of your grandpas, and Uncle George," I smile at his name. "He was in the same intern group as me and Auntie Christina and he was one of the bravest men I knew, and Grandma was my mom, and Step Grandma was Auntie Lexie's mom, and you remember Auntie Lexie, and Uncle Mark, don't you?"

"Yeah."

"They are all up in the sky."

"Why don't they come back down to the ground?"

"Zola, sweetie, they are up there for a reason, and they can't leave, but one day, a long long time from now we will join them up there. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Now do you want, super yummy, oh-so-delicious oatmeal, or do you want boring, no fun, icky waffles for breakfast?"

"Mommy!"

"What?"

"Waffles are yummy, oatmeal is gross!" She says.

"So you want oatmeal?"

"WAFFLES!" She shouts happily, and we both start laughing. _Zola jumps up and runs for the kitchen, D_ _erek then comes in the doorway,_

 _"What is going on in here?" He asks, as I stand up, my legs sore from having been crouched down so long talking to Zola._

 _"Zola thinks that oatmeal is gross," I say walking towards him. He is already dressed and ready to head to work, he has his dress shirt and dress pants on, but is carrying his suit jacket and his briefcase._

 _"It IS gross." He says._

 _"It is not," I say with a smile on my face, and then kiss him before he can fight my statement._

 _"I love you."_ He would say. But he is gone. I stand up, wishing my fantasy was real. I take Zola's hand and we walk back to the kitchen together. If only Derek was still alive, I would have him and Alex, and everything would be like it should be.

Alex's POV

Meredith clearly doesn't want to be in my life, all she does anymore is yell at me. I just need this to be over. I call her. She takes a while but answers.

"Are you high?"

"No."

"I had to ask because you must be out of your mind to be calling me."

"No, I called to say that, this needs to stop. This can't continue. It is affecting work and other stuff so please, this needs to end, please." I say I need this fighting to stop.

"So what it is just over?" She asks.

"If you can agree. We can stop everything right now. This can't affect our work anymore, so, please, let's end this." I say. I hear her take a breath of air that sounds something like a sigh crossed with a gasp. She hangs up.

So, she won't end this with me, she just wants to keep fighting, I'm not doing this. I can't keep this up. I have no one. I head over to my pills grab a bottle and down them. Maybe if I take enough my pain will end.


End file.
